As I reflect on this middle-aged life, I look at where I’ve been, where I am now, and wonder where I will be in the future. And I am constantly asking the esoteric questions: “What is life all about?” “Why am I here?” “What will I be?” Have you ever done that? Looking back, I realize that if Reader’s Digest got hold of my life story they’d have a hay-day with it. I’ve had more highs and lows than most people face in a lifetime. I have an up-beat, outgoing personality; two incredible kids, one of which has a great paying job for a VP at ABC Studios, one of which is sending himself back to a private college to get an MBA in 'green things' (like solar panels); now two step-sons, one with a career in computer technology and the other is a Sergent in the Air Force; I'm remarried to a wonderful man named Michael; I’m an artist, a computer person and have been gifted with the ability to touch others lives in a positive way through teaching and just being me. On the flip side: I’ve gone through parents who divorced when I was 3 (and were both abusive alcoholics); I was raped in college; I got into and out of a major cult; I gave birth to a son with congenital heart disease and went through his death at 19 months; I’ve been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis; my husband at the time left me after 16 years of marriage; I was diagnosed with cancer; and I had a couple of other surgeries I'd rather forget about - one that included two weeks in the hospital. Despite it all, I thought I was the one in total control of my life. The bad things happening were because I wasn’t being positive enough or meditating enough or being a good enough person. If there was a god in the world who might help, I sure couldn’t figure out where. I didn’t try Christianity because I was a big 'Christian hater' after watching those guys on TV and didn't want to be considered a 'goody two shoes.' Instead I tried Scientology, Buddhism, positive affirmations, and all sorts of New Age stuff. Somehow, life just wasn’t going the way I wanted it to and I thought it should! Finally about 7 years ago, I gave up. I had struggled with MS for a year, living in a wheelchair and having my mental facilities shut down to the point where high technology was becoming high improbability. I couldn’t control anything, not even my body. I was at the point of giving up all hope until a friend sat down and talked to me about Jesus, who He is, what He did for me and the love He has had for me all along. To be honest, I figured “what do I have to lose?” Maybe God was truly looking for me and giving me plenty of chances to find him through situations and people in my life, but I just stubbornly refused to look. I heard a great analogy that really made sense to me. I had been on a tandem bike with God all along, but I was trying desperately to steer from the back seat. I decided that I would ask Christ to forgive my sins, give my life over to Him, and let Him start steering my bike. My life has never been the same since that point. Oh sure, I still have MS. My husband and friends in my Church have seen me laugh and seen me sob. But the difference is that now I understand that what happens to me in this life isn't what it's all about - eternal life with God is and the new body is (without MS) that Jesus promised. I’ve experienced a peace I had never known before and all the guilt I had been carrying around for years suddenly disappeared when Jesus forgave my sins. I can’t imagine going through a day now without acknowledging Jesus in it. I look for God in every area of my life and have faith that He will take care of me because He loves me and knows the big picture - I don’t. God really is in control. Have I found all the answers to my basic life questions? Nah. I don’t know why I’m here or what the future holds, but I do know that God knows. He’s running the show now in my life, and to be honest – I don’t HAVE to know all the answers. That’s His job. I just sit on the back of the bike, hang on and keep pedaling when I can. As far as the future goes…I’m letting God steer!